& So It Begins...

I've never really been one to keep up with a blog. I guess this pretty much entitles me to talk about myself then, huh? I dunno, life's, life. I spend my days cradled up on my bed talking to people online, or outside just enjoying the day. But I haven't done much of that lately...My nights consist of alcohol. It's turning into quite the boring routine. I wish my life had more meaning to it. I guess that's what I get for being a boring ass college student, though.

I look at other people my age and wonder if they're feeling the same way as I am, or if they're just anxious to go buy a new bottle of Skyy and take awesome shooters with their awesome friends.

People tend to underestimate me. I'm far from the girl that's portrayed when you first meet me. I could honestly tell you that my best friend doesn't even know me. Why, though? You'd think that'd be the one person who'd know more about me than I know about myself. But the realization I've come to recently is that...I don't even know who I am, yet.

Let's see if we can figure this out. I've always been kind of good at math...this'll be quite the equasion. I'm 19. I've gotten to the point where I don't give a fuck about what people think of me, but see--the thing is: whenever I'm doing something that I know will get me any kind of attention, good or bad, I realize that my initial mentality is sort of a fuck it mentality, but in the back of my mind, I always wonder what's this person thinking about me right now.

I remember everything and anything: good or bad (except for when I have too much alcohol in my system to where I can't). So, when someone tells me something. I remember. I figure that sometimes that can be a bad thing. I remember people from parties. You know, the ones I go to where I don't care about what people think. And again, that little voice in the back of my mind wants to know what they think of me. I try hard to impress, but at the same time I don't care? Weird.

I've come to some kind of conclusion about myself and about the people around me. Some people have it so easy, but I feel like I really have to try hard to get what I want in life. I find myself crying sometimes for no reason...why's that? I need people to tell me these things. I'm too confused to figure all this out by myself. Yeah, yeah. I know. Everyone's confused.

I'll go ahead and be selfish. I think there's a lot more to me then you let on. Or than anyone lets on. The only person who really knows what I've got going for me is my mom. Yeah, corny, I know, but she's too scared to make a life of her own, so how can I? I wish I knew who I was. I wish I knew who I'm going to be. I need someone to just take a look inside me (that's what she said) and tell me who the fuck I am. The one thing I can really point out about myself is that I'm lazy and unmotivated. I know I can do a lot with my life if I try, but I can't seem to find any motivation to get my ass out of bed.

Just help me.